


Jesus Christ

by dvisyhead



Category: Phan, Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Alcohol, Drugs, M/M, Suicide, Teenage AU, Teenagers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-15
Updated: 2014-10-15
Packaged: 2018-02-21 05:50:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,751
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2457176
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dvisyhead/pseuds/dvisyhead
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dan's into drugs, and maybe Phil's a little bit into him.</p><p>русский перевод: http://ficbook.net/readfic/2561078</p>
            </blockquote>





	Jesus Christ

**Author's Note:**

> songfic based off of 'jesus christ' by brand new. high school au where dan is this super mysterious guy who drags phil down into doing bad things and phil just can't get out. very angsty it just kind of went on a weird path im sorry. this probably has no constant plot and probably sucks and is a huge mess but lmao i don't care. i got super emotional writing this because it kind of hits home in a way. hopefully it doesn't suck too bad.

_Jesus Christ, that's a pretty face_  
_The kind you'd find on someone I could save_  
_If they don't put me away_  
_Well, it'll be a miracle_

Phil remembers the first time he ever laid eyes on Dan. Phil was sat in the back of his AP Lit class, the first day of school and he was already bored out of his mind. The hands on the clock seems to tick by slowly as his teacher's voice droned on and on about some essay with a name Phil couldn't seem to place at the time. Phil remember the loud click the classroom door made as the doorknob twisted and the door opened. In stepped probably one of the cutest yet intimidating people Phil had ever laid his eyes on. The boy was about his height, maybe 6'2"? He had medium brown hair with a fringe almost identical to Phil's and he had the darkest brown eyes you could imagine, they almost looked black from where he was sat.

The teacher introduced him as Dan Howell, their newest addition to the class and the school in general. He moved from London to Manchester, his family wanting to get to a smaller town to escape the hectic city life.

Despite that, Phil didn't exactly know too much about Dan, except for that fact that when Dan went to sit down only two seats away from Phil, the boy gave him a small smirk. And Phil knew from then he wanted to get to know this 'Dan Howell.'

_Do you believe you're missin' out_  
_That everything good is happening somewhere else?_  
_But with nobody in your bed_  
_The night's hard to get through_

Phil never expected his final year of secondary school to be spent hanging out with the mysterious Dan Howell. And by hanging out, it normally implied Dan would be under the influence of something and Phil would have to watch over him. So what if Dan was into drugs? Maybe Phil was a little into him.

Some nights, Phil remembers Dan when he wasn't too high, but the right kind of high when he wanted Phil as close to him as he could get the man. He would pull Phil down next to him in that messy bed of his. He would wrap his arms around Phil's belly and hips and tangle their legs together and press his lips to the back of Phil's neck. He would press soft kisses there and Phil couldn't stop the shudders that ran throughout his body or the soft moans that bubbled from his throat. Yeah, Dan might be the guy who tried to get Phil off in his bedroom a few times a month, but Dan is the best friend he’s had in a very long time.

Dan never would admit it, but he was a dreamer. He believed in all sorts of philosophical things, and if he was sober enough he could spend hours telling Phil about his theories about why humans are on this earth, and it made Phil happy to see Dan get excited and his eyes light up over something he was passionate about. It didn't happen very often.

Dan would never admit it, but Phil saw through the tough exterior. Dan was lonely. Some nights, Phil would just spend the night cuddled up against Dan's body just to feel the sleeping boy wrapped up in his arms. This was when Phil was his happiest. He could see the anger and tension run from Dan's face, leaving the face of a boy scared of the world to take its place.

Dan was smart to be afraid of the world, most people are.

_And I will die all alone  
And when I arrive I won't know anyone_

Phil remembered vividly the time Dan convinced him to try something. Dan was known for doing some of the hard stuff, but he would never put Phil through something like that his first time.

Hesitance was clear in Phil's body language, his body stiffened the second Dan pulled out his little bag full of acid tabs. Phil had only ever smoked cigarettes and drank maybe one can of beer before, and that was because of Dan so that's about as illegal he got. This was a whole other level.

"Don't worry babe. It's bliss." Dan whispered into Phil's ear, letting his lips softly press against his cheek, feeling Phil calm down a bit against his touch.

Phil opened his mouth slowly, inviting Dan to place the tab on the tip of his tongue before Phil closed it, letting his mouth suck up the fluid that was left on the paper as it slowly dissolved to nothing.

"I'm proud of you." Dan said with a smile, leaning in to let his lips press against Phil's. Their lips moved almost sloppily together, no real passion or meaning behind the kiss. But Phil didn't care. Because he was Dan's unofficial 'babe', and that was good enough for him.

_Well, Jesus Christ, I'm alone again_  
_So what did you do those three days you were dead?_  
_'Cause this problem's gonna last more than the weekend._

It didn't exactly surprise Phil when he heard the news that Dan had taken a few too many Xanex one night. That was normal behavior at the point. What wasn't normal was that Dan had wound up in the hospital, asleep for days. The doctors said that it was Dan's body responding in an effort to regain his strength. Phil said it was Dan not wanting to wake up anymore to face the world.

The fighting didn't help the tension between the two. Phil was so worried for Dan, he wouldn't know what to do without him. He wanted Dan off the drugs, it was too much emotionally and physically.

Dan didn't take too kindly to that idea, shouting how Phil should just leave and how he meant nothing.

"We're not a thing, Phil! You're not my boyfriend, you're just a casual fuck. If you can't handle this, leave."

Phil remembers the pain that slashed through his body once those words left Dan's mouth. It felt like a black hole had just sucked everything out of him, Phil felt empty. But he did what he was told. He stepped over the broken bottles strewn across the floor from the aftermath of the fight. Phil refused to acknowledge the syringes and empty bags laying around either, he knew what Dan was doing but didn't want to face it. He opened the apartment door and walked out, refusing to look at Dan as he did.

Phil sometimes wonders what would have happened if he stayed that night.

_Well, Jesus Christ, I'm not scared to die,_  
_I'm a little bit scared of what comes after_  
_Do I get the gold chariot?_  
_Do I float through the ceiling?_

Phil finally understood why Dan was scared of life. Everything in life can hurt you, from people to experienced, the physical to the emotional, all of it left a mark. And it wasn't easy for the scars to just fade away.

Once Phil had left Dan alone that one night about a week ago, Phil had been spending a lot of his nights out walking. More or so at midnight, Phil would find himself at a small bridge on the edge of town. It connected the town towns together over top of a big lake. Phil wasn't sure why, but it felt therapeutic to stand on the edge and just let the cold wind blow against your skin. Maybe it reminded him of Dan, living close to death but also not caring if he fell over into the water below or his feet stayed planted on the ground.

_Do I divide and fall apart?_  
_'Cause my bright is too slight to hold back all my dark_  
_And the ship went down in sight of land_  
_And at the gates, does Thomas ask to see my hands?_

Dan's habits were beginning to rub off of Phil. A few bottles were easily stashed out of sight in Phil's bedroom, not letting his parents know of how in deep he was with missing Dan.

Everything reminded Phil of him. From the stench of stale cigarettes on his clothes, to the burn of alcohol down his throat, and especially the feeling of cold covers against his skin rather than a warm body made him miss Dan.

Being alone didn't stop his thoughts, and everything was starting to get to much for Phil.

_I know you're coming in the night like a thief_  
_But I've had some time alone to hone my lying technique_  
_I know you think that I'm someone you can trust_  
_But I'm scared I'll get scared and I swear I'll try to nail you back up_

It had been about two months since the fight, and Dan had finally come back to Phil. It was so cheesy, having rocks being thrown at his window at one in the morning.

He first thing Phil asked was how Dan had been.

Dan said fine. Phil said the same, lying through his teeth. He hoped Dan was too.

Phil wasn't sure he was ready to let Dan back in, but he knew he couldn't be without him. One way or another, he would be back to putting Dan back on his feet and picking up his messes in no time. And he figured Dan knew that too.

_So do you think that we could work out a sign  
So I'll know it's you and that it's over so I won't even try_

Phil never truly was Dan's. He knew that, and he also knew Dan had ruined him. But he honestly didn't care. He had started to feel the same way about the world as Dan. Maybe he didn't want to wake up to face the world either.

Those were his last thoughts anyway, as he took about twenty of the oxycodone pills that Dan had sold him earlier that night. He gulped the pills down with a swig of beer as he laid down onto Dan's still-messy bed. He let his body rest against Dan's feeling his warmth as he let his eyes drift closed, hoping that he wouldn't wake up in the morning to be a failure like Dan.

_I know you're coming for the people like me_  
_We all got wood and nails_  
_And tongue-tied at hate factories_  
_We all got wood and nails_  
_And we sleep inside of this machine._

**Author's Note:**

> So yeah hoped you guys enjoyed it!! Comments & kudos are greatly appreciated c:


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